The Burden Of Change
As I sit here pondering the years that have passed, I am accompanied by a sense of frustration and sadness that breaks over me like a storm surge. Until now, it has seemed very far away from the day when we were young. The future lay before us, and friendship brought us laughter as well as trouble. Her amber hair glittered in the bright sunlight like a banner announcing the flaming spirit that she was.
She was more than my friend; she was a sister of my heart, a confidante that I felt completely comfortable talking to her about my wildest aspirations and darkest fears. Now, as I look at the shadows that have engulfed her, I find myself struggling with the painful realization that the woman I once knew seems to me so removed and different from what she has become. It is heartbreaking to watch someone so vibrant with joy and laughter gradually lose all ability even to crack a smile.
But this sense of terrible loss is what drains me… as in when a casual conversation at a watering hole turns into something more sinister than one expected. The woman I loved so much has been swallowed by a night that makes no sense to me at all. Her laughter now is like memories that haunt me, echoes of a time when the sun shone brighter in our lives and the future held so many promises ahead. My frustration is not only at her plight but also at my own impotence.
I long to reach out, to pull her back from the edge. But, the distance between us seems insurmountable, and a terrible sense of helplessness grips me; I remember the very first day I saw her disorder, facing its painful presence, brings both frustration and grief. I want her to be able to return to any one of several eras in the past, the days when we both could sit talking or sharing secrets and drinks. But all I can do now is watch her struggle with her own demons alone; a pitiful journey that has left her completely alienated from her children. Her son and daughter, carrying their own scars, shaped by the volatility of their mother's decline hit me hard and makes me sad as well.
It is distressing to see a life that has swept her kids once-steady anchor off course. There seems to be no end to the misery, and I feel impotent. I often remember how she was so happy; her beautiful face could light up the room and brighten even the darkest corners. The laughing girl with her flaming red hair, what has become of her now? How did we reach this impasse? How is it that the lively redhead I treasured has turned into a flickering shadow of her former self? Scattered by the wind. My heart is broken. I want to tell her how much she meant to me. However, her friendship has become so dangerously toxic that, on a level she will never fathom, the conversation I want to have with her becomes locked in my throat; as always, my eyes fill with tears, and I just sit there thinking of what her life could have been.
As old women, the time when we should be enjoying each other has been brought to a close with her five-year campaign that included extortion, threats to destroy me and countless other horrible behaviors, have killed a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. But now what am I to do? I feel like a scoundrel. It's terribly sad to think that I may never encounter the woman I loved deeply ever again. The divide between us is no longer just a physical distance but an emotional chasm has formed, causing years of tough times and bitterness. I want to believe that deep down, there's still a spark of what she used to be.
She was that person that was so easy to love, but it's often hidden under pain and the layers of despair that have grown up around her. My heart aches for her, for all the years she could have had, and for the dreams that lay scattered by the burden of her struggles. I want to shout, shake her, and force her to understand that she still deserves love and happiness, but I realize that this battle is something that is hers alone. As she nears the final years of her life, I find myself plunged into a deep sense of grief. It is not simply the loss of a close friend, it's all that could have been, the laughter which will nevermore recover its volume, and the closeness that has slipped away completely generated from one situation. All of it created by the same cruel fact of change from one of the most vibrant beautiful creatures I have ever met to a woman who has experienced the very worst slings and arrows that life could possibly attack her with!
I grasp at scenes from the past, painful though they may be, hoping that somewhere amid the beautiful memories, there is still hope. I wish she could see herself through my eyes, the eyes of someone who loved her and would have, right up until the end of my days, who still holds in her heart the real essence of who she once was. So, in the end, my heart is heavy, with the burden of all that has been, and all that could have been. Although I can't change her situation, I cling to the hope that she can find peace within herself, even if she's not the person I once knew. And as I release all of that frustration and sorrow, I choose to remember her as she was: a splendid, lovely being who brought light into my life, even if today that light is a little dimmer."
